Thoughts: I’m naive and I’m fine with it.

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I’m naive. Very much. I didn’t notice that before, because I could blame it on my age. There it was still justified. Childlike carelessness. “Yes well, she’s still 17, she’s still learning that,” they said at the time. Meanwhile I’m 27 and it hasn’t got any better. Their head shaking. Always the same. And then there’s this slightly suggested smile and this: “Sweet.”

They smile at me, not taking me seriously. “We don’t mean it badly. It’s good to be naive.” I’ve been carrying this stamp around with me for a long time. Because one of my basic traits is that I am terribly romantic. Not necessarily with pink frippery and fairytale fuss, but already very borderline. I am one of those who have to sigh animalistically in terribly kitschy tasteless love films. I already know that I get judgmental looks for it. Many films even bring tears to my eyes. It’s terrible. Too much emotion, too many hormones, no idea where I should go with it.

Somewhere between Tinder-Date and “something chilled”.

I am also a preacher of the one great love. My eyes start to glow reading the word itself. I firmly believe that we all find it. Sooner or later. Even if it is difficult. And yes, also in Berlin. In the midst of the frenzy. Somewhere between Tinder-Date and “something chilled”.

When I get to know a person, I basically assume that he has good intentions and is someone special. In his own way. Sometimes the attraction is stronger, sometimes weaker. Like two magnets. If it doesn’t fit, then I say to myself: “It’s simply not my human being, not my opposite pole.”.

This can have different reasons. Reasons which we cannot always foresee, but which we do not always have to explain to ourselves. That saves us a lot of time and energy. And it is actually very simple, because I also have a complicated inner life and an unlimited season ticket for the thought carousel. It has taken me a long time to realize this, still now it’s an ongoing process.

“It was always very hard for me to let go of control, to let myself fall.”

Because (and what many don’t know) I had to learn the carelessness, to train myself. It was always very hard for me to let go of control, to let myself fall. To leave things to chance.

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Classic case of a control freak. In constant fear of the unknown, unexpected or nasty surprises. I was always insecure, I doubted everything, quickly condemned frivolous decisions of others. I felt reasonable. The convulsive feeling of having control in all areas of my life gave me a feeling of stability, inner order. I liked habit, structure. My life was planned through and through – that extended into the future. That satisfied me, gave me the feeling that nothing could happen to me anymore.

But this order was a fallacy, because I was a complete mess inside. Spontaneity was a foreign word for me, my sphere rather limited, one could even call it boring. The school of life then taught me over time that unfortunately I cannot plan life. Can’t influence ir, can’t force it. Suddenly all the plans, all my ideas, illusions had very little to do with reality. And then I stood there. With my plans, which were no longer tangible, no longer worth much. Only a fleeting thought perhaps. Little by little I realized that I am not immortal, but almost.

“Fear often hinders us, often we don’t dare to do enough.”

Fear often hinders us, often we don’t dare to do enough. Things that happen just happen. Soon they’re going to be gone. Soon, of course, there will be an elastic concept that lasts differently for everyone. The fact is: If you let go of the past and the future, life suddenly becomes so simple. So beautiful. Live for the moment, enjoy. To plunge emotionally into a state, a situation. Enjoy it to the full and don’t worry about tomorrow. Even if it can be briefly cloudy tomorrow.

We are constantly on the lookout for answers, constantly on the lookout for ourselves. Dissatisfied. Desperate. Finding no peace. We lose ourselves in this search, lose ourselves in this labyrinth, the depths of thoughts, of words. Almost self-destructive. Stiffen. Sinking into it.

“Can it be that they don’t like me?

“Why didn’t I get the job?

“Why doesn’t he like me?”

“What did I do wrong?”

I have the answer to all the questions: It doesn’t matter. It really is the answer. If it doesn’t happen, then it shouldn’t. And it is so simple. Peter Pan and Pipi Longstocking are not schizophrenic eternally young people, but have understood the principle. They don’t want to grow up, they want to keep their naivety. “Make the world the way you like it” has also become my motto in life.

Our inner life shapes our actions, our life. We can therefore change our future if we start to think correctly.

“When I am told today how naive I am, I see it as a compliment.”

When I am told today how naive I am, I see it as a compliment. So I am reminded that I did it right. When I am condemned today for my decisions, I rejoice inwardly. I know that my learned carelessness is to be confused with stupidity. When I am confronted with teachings, I have to smile inwardly.

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Sometimes I play along and answer: “No, really? I didn’t even know you could be robbed abroad. Okay … Brutal! I still slightly change my voice and look innocent. So funny. How naive it is to come to a strange city without a job, without an apartment. How is that to be financed? How are you supposed to manage that? How do you imagine your future? How naive to get on a plane and travel for several months. How reckless it is to couch surf. It’s a miracle that someone hasn’t raped you yet

“But I know I’ll get there. Sooner or later.”

I used to be like that too, I thought the same way. But I risk it. If today I’m in a foreign country without a mobile phone and a map and I want to meet a friend on the other side of the country, I tell him: “Wait for me, I’ll somehow find a way to come to you”. Since I have no money, I have to hitchhike, but I know I’ll get there. Sooner or later.

Today it is no longer a stress for me. Today I am the passenger of the plane and I have no idea what to expect of this trip.

M.


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4 Comments Add yours

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    1. literaapoetry says:

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    1. literaapoetry says:

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