To love is to let go. We are only as free as our imagination let us.
All this cliché thoughts were running through my mind. After that night, I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. I could’ve sworn that I heard something break on the back of my mind. A weight dropped. I didn’t knew how to live so light. Bondless. Every step I took I felt I was going to fall into an abyss. It was exhilarating as it was fearful. And that was the dilemma. The original dilemma for all of us. The choice between love and fear. What to do with our present emotions. Some of us feel those emotions coming like a big horrendous face coming at us screaming, like a vengeful ghost, trying to take those some of us to the depths of hell.
Some, though, feel those same emotions like a long road opening before them, knowing that that road has many perils, but its sight is beautiful and the rewards are there to be picked along the way. Since my young days I fell into the first category. I was a fearful child. Product of my parent’s eternal arguments over nothing and everything. Screams of enraged baboons, trying to subdue one another. Ego is a double-bladed sword. We use it to protect ourselves from the world, but mostly… It uses us. Ego is a living thing. The images we create for ourselves have a life of their own, and they end up subduing the good and pure child we have in us. So was my childhood. False images battling each other over false pretexts. The irony of all of it. It scared me, how powerful others can be towards me, how weak they can be for themselves. Since then, I dream of taking control of my mind. To destroy every unnecessary desire, any unnecessary emotion.
“Every image I make for myself must be as real as the natural forces that rule this world. “
Unfortunately, dreams are not enough to destroy the strings that move our body and mind. In fact, we must deplete our mind from them if we are ever to cut the strings. Old thoughts perpetuate old feelings. Even dreams, as sweet as they can be, can be old, and they too can keep us attached to what is harming our soul. Nothingness is the cure. A feeling so strong that rips every other apart. Old or new. Gone. After that spring afternoon, after her, I knew that it was possible for me too. The emotion came like a tsunami wave, washing every thought on my head, every fear on my bones, all that was left was the beating of my heart and the vision of her. Timeless, motionless. All the events that happened to me so far, so unimportant, every misfortune, mistreatment, negligence, bad decision. Gone.
“Life brought me to that moment, and I didn’t ran away.“
The day came after that first night. She had to leave. A friend was coming from afar and she couldn’t let her alone. Although she promised me it was not her intention to leave me, she had to. I spent the next few days waiting for a sign. I was already imagining how my life will be from then on. What sort of places would I discover? I hadn’t found my home yet, I was open to sail, and for her, I would sail to the end of the Universe. The days after kept showing the sun in all its form, the bright white light was hitting the marble walls of the city, bouncing back and forth, letting everyone know each day was a miracle to be cherished. The day she went away was no different. She promised she would spend it with me. We talked about our dreams and past lives. Promising not to let each be put into a dark shelf on the back of our minds. She told how she loved the city and its famous light. How the sun was brighter here than in the place she comes from. I believed her, I also loved my city, and was well aware of its beauty. I knew that she wouldn’t be able to stay. This world strips our souls with the commitments it spits on us. Something that I couldn’t be concerned about anymore. I waited until the moment we said goodbye. I asked –“What if I go with you?” – She stops to look at me. After a brief moment of gazing into my eyes, she slightly smiles and looks down for a second. I understood that she thought I was not serious enough. “Life is just not like that” – That’s what I imagined she was thinking. She didn’t answered, only kissed me and touched my cheek. There she went.
My strings were cut.
The fear was gone.
No more ties to this land, to my old carcass.
I would prove her my every word.
To be continued.
Who do you miss the most in this world? Tell us about your spring of life.
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