Transgender, Queer, Non Binary is a big topic right now. But actually it was always present, society was just not ready to talk about it before.
Do we really feel comfortable and right in our body since birth?
We meet Lotty. Lotty is a pensioner, transsexual and a woman for 16 years. The desire to be a woman was already present in her childhood but that was clearly not easy to realize. We meet her and quickly realize that both she and her story are very exciting.
My name is Lotty Maria, I am 66 years old and a pensioner.
Oh yes, and I am transsexual.
In my youth transsexuality was largely unknown.
At that time we were far away from the internet and the variety of media as we know it today. I knew that my body was not right but it was just like that, penis equals man and therefore that was the sex to which I needed to feel I belonged to. My fate was written down for me. But I was lucky that no one ever asked me to be a man. I didn’t have any partnerships to which I had to be considerate the male, and also in my profession I had all the liberties. But childhood, until the time I started playing in a band, was cruel.
“The boys didn’t like me and the girls didn’t want me either. “
I wasn’t able to find my right place back then. The boys didn’t like me and the girls didn’t want me either . In my time as a musician I was allowed to behave as I was, I could also dress as a woman in a certain way. Over time I became a feminine man. Always with long hair and always with the desire to dress really feminine. In 1978 I started my own business.
We founded a company where we developed, produced and sold equipment for the music industry. More and more I withdrew from life, hiding in my work. As a person I became less and less important. There was always this feeling of dissatisfaction with my body.
“The pressure to deny one’s past becomes stronger and stronger.”
The desire to dress female grew. Female bodies fascinated me, but they did not exert any sexual attraction on me. It was the unconscious desire for such a body. I know that today but unfortunately I did not know it at that time. When I was 50, my clothes became completely female due to health problems.
My legs hurt and I had a reason to wear support stockings. It was too hot, I had a reason to wear skirts. Men’s shoes under skirts looked stupid, so I had a reason to wear pumps. Thus I could justify my female clothes before myself. Somehow a bit stupid but whatever.
“Am I playing roles or is it really me?“
I asked myself, “Why do you like this so much?” and I answered, “You don’t have a wife, so you’re probably making yourself one. I still hadn’t heard anything about such things as transsexuality, that’s something hard to imagine in today’s world. Even my dad had noticed that there was such a thing, but I was probably too isolated from myself and the environment. Professionally, privately and publicly I never had any problems, on the contrary. The people were suddenly friendlier and more obliging. Nobody was really surprised, it seemed as if everything was ok then. Both my Interior and exterior were now in harmony. In strange environments no one took special notice of me, it was all perfectly normal. But my actual problem, the dissatisfaction with my body, hadn’t changed.
I was still of the opinion, “you’re a man.” At some point it turned out that I bought breast prostheses and looked at myself in front of the mirror. That was the realization. As if struck by lightning, it was clear to me that this was my body problem. That belongs to me. I began to doubt myself: “You are a man who likes breasts? In the package was a flyer from a forum “For men who occasionally dress as women”.
This seemed like the solution, this could be a place where I might get answers. That was the time when I had to choose a name. Now I always had Lotty as a nickname and what could be more obvious than to explain it as my new name? In this forum I then read “I can’t do that in the role of a woman, and I can’t do that in the role of a man”. Such a thing was strange to me, what actually means role of a woman, role of a man. Do I play roles or am I just myself?
I then waited a certain time to get the necessary clearance, applied for the change of my legal name and the legal sex entry. I began with the prescribed therapeutic procedure, after a short time later I also got my adaptation hormones to let my genitals adapt to my sex. A forum gave me clarity about what I am, what transsexuality is and how the whole process of alignment with my gender takes place.
“Did I decide to become transsexual? No, that was just who I was. Did I decided to become a woman? No, I was a woman since birth, only I didn’t knew. “
Did I decide to become transsexual? No, that was just what I was. Did I decided to become a woman? No, I was a woman since birth, only I didn’t knew. Of course I did not have the body of a woman, that is the fatal thing about us. During embryogenesis, the development of the external anatomy and we take different directions regarding our sex. You cannot become a woman, you cannot become a man, that is an illusion, either you are or you are not. One cannot become it, but one can decide to live in one’s true sex, one can decide to adapt one’s body to one’s sex as much as possible. Meanwhile I am retired, live together with my husband. He also had a transsexual past.
He’s got it all behind him, too, including the genital alignment. He was assigned the female sex at birth. A few years ago we founded the Vereinigung- TransSexuelle – Menschen e.V. (Association – Transsexual – People) together. The work is varied, fun and I can divide it up freely. Apart from the work for the association, our everyday life is absolutely unspectacular. Transsexuality plays no role in our private life. My husband works and his wife is a housewife.
“One cannot become it, but one can decide to live in one’s true gender, one can decide to adapt one’s body to one’s gender as much as possible.”
We are not experiencing the discrimination from society, we are experiencing it within the trans*community, from LGBT and trans*clubs, because they either separate us in trans*men or trans*women
This Trans*Hype makes it more and more difficult for originally transsexual people to find recognition in their gender.
The pressure to deny one’s past becomes stronger and stronger. Only when no one knows about the past is it possible to be recognized as what you are,
Woman or man. Occasionally I am asked “Since when are you actually transsexual?” or “When did you decide to become transsexual? I always have to smile, because it hasn’t just been a flash of inspiration one day, but you have always been transsexual since birth. You can’t choose it either, it’s either what you are or not. Transsexuality means that a person is born in the opposite sex. So you don’t become transsexual but at some point in your life you notice that you are affected by transsexuality. I think in life it is important to take decisions for yourself. And sometimes not everyone will like that, no. And sometimes you are looked at crookedly. But who cares? I can finally be me for that. And I am happy.
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Interview & Text:
Masha is the founder of Literaa Poetry and the better half of Pedro.
She likes to write columns and lifestyle topics and takes care of the editorial staff.
Read more about Masha here.