I always felt a bitter taste on my mouth when I saw someone of whom I liked leaving. Not because of the fact that I would miss them, I actually was always lingering for a little bit of sorrow from time to time. No, it was because I could never express to them how much I cared. It was always too hard for me to show emotions when I was a kid. I always felt naked and vulnerable by doing it. So much I wished to be different, to don’t disappoint others, to not make them think I’m some kind of sociopath.
To love is to let go. We are only as free as our imagination let us. All this cliché thoughts were running through my mind. After that night, I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. I could’ve sworn that I heard something break on the back of my mind. A weight dropped. I didn’t knew how to live so light. Bondless. Every step I took I felt I was going to fall into an abyss. It was exhilarating as it was fearful. And that was the dilemma. The original dilemma for all of us. The choice between love and fear. What to do with our present emotions. Some of us feel those emotions coming like a big horrendous face coming at us screaming, like a vengeful ghost, trying to take those some of us to the depths of hell.
I always disagreed with my heart. It always pulled to dark end corners of my mind, where the impossible kept me afloat from the stillness of the life surrounding me. Always so behaved creatures, so controlled and straight. Mistreating and misbehaving the truth. The world needs more than the things it had so far. Change should be the ultimate goal on our minds.
Trüb meine Tage, nebelig mein Verstand. Verdunstet mein Ich. Verschmolzen zu Dir. Wir zwei – eins gemeinsam: Unsere Leere. Ich kannte keinen Atem, denn es war deiner. Keine Bewegung, denn du liefst. Jedes deiner Worte durchdrungen in meinen Körper. Jede Betäubung verwachsen in meine Haut.
Cloud my day, fog my mind. Evaporating myself. Melt into you. We two – one thing in common: Our emptiness. I knew no breath, since it was yours. No movement, since you ran. Each of your words soaked in my body. Every anaesthetic grew into my skin. Continue reading “Withdrawal”→
Procrastination: Being trapped in a dream world that prevents us from living our dreams on the real one. My life so far was a steady monochord rhythm, two chords repeating day and night. I always thinking how the song would continue. As I turned my face to look at her on that spring afternoon, I heard the strings breaking. No more music. No more nothing. My body went completely numb. Continue reading “Spring of Life – Chapter II”→
I traded seagulls for ravens. On my backpack I had three days worth of clothes, and a toothbrush. On my heart I had a lifetime worth of dreams. I waited too long for this, and I wonder why… I don’t want to think that I was too long trapped in my fears, in my anxiety, such a cliché, right? I mean, being so aware of the cockroaches on my head I should have known better, shouldn’t I?
Juli Morgen. Noch hat die Sonne nicht angefangen auf den Bürgersteig zu brennen, die erste Brise ist aber schon recht warm. Die ersten Cafés öffnen und ich rieche an dem frisch gebackenem Brot. Der Himmel ist noch orange. Ich nehme meine Sonnenbrille ab, um in die Sonne zu schauen. “Solch eine Magie” – denke ich. Continue reading “Der Zauberer – Teil I”→
Ich reise mit leichtem Gepäck. Alles, was ich tragen will, ist mein eigenes Gewicht. All das, was ich mitbringen konnte, würde meinen Rücken krümmen und mich daran hindern, geradeaus zu schauen. Ein weiterer Grund ist die Zeit. Ich bin zu aufgeregt, um meine Transformation zu beginnen, um mir Sorgen um alltägliche Dinge zu machen, z.B. welche Kleidung ich tragen soll oder ob ich eine bestimmte Art von Essen zu essen habe. Lass mich einfach laufen. Ich will jetzt dorthin. Diese Stadt ist ein Spielplatz und ich fühle mich wie das neue Kind in der Schule.