“I’ve been here 10 years.”
He says as he takes a sip on his beer. “How come?” I ask smiling.
“I don’t know. I was travelling and somehow got stuck here. And now 10 years have passed.” He laughs as he looks away embarrased. You could see the toll of those 10 years by looking at him. He had aged but also remained young. His skin grew a somber tone and is now full of visible scars. Each scar has its own story. Every story with its unhealed wounds. He wanted to look younger than he was. Stronger than he ever would be. We remain silent for a moment.
My gaze also wanders across the beach. I lost myself in the depths.
The something I remember the most is the sun. It is most beautiful when we see his light through the reflections on the white marble walls, bouncing back and forth between them, a dance of light and life, and an ode to the dead who first saw how beautiful they could be. The thousands of sparrows and starlings pierced the diamond light, ignoring us simple creatures standing on the streets. What could we know? We couldn’t even feel the air rushing throw our feathers, the sun pointing us the direction on the next corner. We are mere stone statues for this enlightened beings. They know their way through life. We instead, battle with the little time we have to enjoy it, always finding excuses to be miserable. Happiness is a future thing. Always.
Far away from worries, everyday life I said goodbye to Berlin. Not to run away, but I needed a time-out. When the plane took off, it was as if the world was taking a deep breath and standing still for a moment. Up there where the city is just a miniature of itself I thought: the perfect place, the moment to write my book. I would sit at the terraces just like I did before, flooded with ideas and inspiration, writing chapter after chapter. I would proudly hold my finished book in my hands and take the flight home. But that wasn’t the case. One day after I arrived my laptop gave up and left me. Without a single explanation. I begged him to stay but he went on strike. Without ifs and buts. That was it with us. After 2 so intimate years. And now? If this situation had happened to me 3 years ago I would probably have panicked. My vacation? Definitely ruined. I sat down and thought. Calmly. My loud voices in the background, I didn’t listened to them. I won’t let myself roll over emotions. In Hanoi I said goodbye to my laptop.
Funny how naive we were. We had dreams, goals, plans. We were so convinced of it. Do a trip around the world with the old VW bus. Only with a tent and a backpack. To be independent, to live freedom – for the day. To hitchhike when money is tight, set up a tent somewhere in nowhere. Both of us for eternity. So sure.
How many of my thoughts are just spilled wine? Promises of a future that became stains. They will always be there for me to remember who I was and the life I aspired. They come from a time where I used to think how much I had already accomplished. My young mind was impossible to break down, happiness was always present due to the promise of time. I looked to days to come like constellations high above in the night sky. What is there to find out? How long would it take me to get there? How small was I compared to them, how big can I grow? Continue reading “Spilled wine”→
I’m naive. Very much. I didn’t notice that before, because I could blame it on my age. There it was still justified. Childlike carelessness. “Yes well, she’s still 17, she’s still learning that,” they said at the time. Meanwhile I’m 27 and it hasn’t got any better. Their head shaking. Always the same. And then there’s this slightly suggested smile and this: “Sweet.” Continue reading “I’m naive and I’m fine with it.”→
“Bei dem Wort Liebe fangen meine Augen an zu glühen.”
Ich bin naiv. Sogar sehr. Früher ist das nicht so aufgefallen, da konnte ich das noch auf mein Alter schieben. Da war es noch gerechtfertigt. Kindlicher Leichtsinn halt. „Ja gut, sie ist ja noch 17, sie lernt das schon noch“, haben sie damals gesagt. Mittlerweile bin ich 27 und es ist kein Stück besser geworden. Dieses Kopfschütteln. Immer dasselbe. Und dazu noch dieses leicht angedeutete Lächeln und dieses: „Süß.“ Continue reading “Ich bin naiv und das ist gut so”→
There I was. Hoping and hopping. Eager to get something I don’t want. Apply. Put on your mask and smile. Study your cliché list, memorize it, some jokes maybe? No, too much. Who has time to laugh? Put your head down and let them absorb you. Feel the anxiety mixed with a monochord vomiting of words. Don’t fall asleep, soldier! Your mamma is counting on you. You are getting to old to eat at her table. Aren’t you tired of being left out?
I’ve been floating for years only with the sound of my own voice. It shouts inside my head like in a long hall: “Is there anybody out there?” – The sound travels afar and it fades. Where am I? The smells, the faces, they are gone. My memory leaked into space, year by year, leaving an invisible trace. The route back is lost. Continue reading “The Voyager II”→
Short foreword: This article was published 2 years ago in an online magazine, a time when I was Single 😉 Maybe these words will help you, encourage or motivate you. That’s the main thing for us!
A lot of us don’t want to, can’t, can’t go around it. Many enjoy, love or hate it. Being alone, I notice that the word has a slightly negative echo. “I travel alone.” “I’m single.” It’s like I have to keep explaining myself.